Words

Where to start? Over five years since I was granted day parole on a life sentence and here I am attempting, after my third suspension, to make it. So why the hell has it been so difficult for me? What is it that seems to get in my way? I am an intelligent person. I have post secondary education, business sense, and charisma. The issue is that I keep on shooting myself in the foot by using drugs.
Is it complacency?
Is it stress?
Is it self hatred?
Is it poor impulse control?
Or do I simply like drugs so much that the decision to use eclipses common sense?
The next time I use there will be one of two consequences:
                     - Another 2 to 5 years in prison
                     - Death
But has either of those consequences stopped me in the past...no.
I desperately want to stay free, I love the choices and freedoms. I hate prison, the violence, hatred, loneliness, loss, self hatred, etc. I have done extensive psychological work, cognitive behavior therapy, and changed myself extensively throughout the years. I am not the same person I was fifteen years ago when my crime was committed yet I still have not shed off the addiction.
My longest clean time was 4 and a half years. I love being straight but it should be said that the majority of that time was while I was in prison.
Am I institutionalized? Is the reality of life out here where I have to work hard at gains instead of everything being done for me just too difficult? I certainly hope not because I have a strong sense of self worth and that would be a kick in the balls.
During the years of sobriety in prison I wrote everyday. Two novellas, theatrical plays, and numerous poems as well as a daily journal are my literature accomplishments. I even had a few of my works published while inside. Five years of off and on freedom and what I haven't done is write more than a few pages in all that time.
So this may be my last chance at freedom, and I am going to change something up, I am going to write again and this for now will be my venue.
Cheers
DTO