The past is gone. All the times, all the people are behind me now.
I lived for years with certain ethics and morals and how to live my life, that way kept me down. The people I surrounded myself with caused temptations to always be around the corner. I am now separated from that life, I intentionally did it to myself so that I can start fresh with nothing holding me back.
Its now time to look forward, to be a family guy, not in the cartoon way, but a real family guy. Stable, honest, trustworthy. I am okay with the path I have now chosen, although it seems that I am still halfway in and halfway out due to living in a halfway house. I still have to associate with some of the guys from my past and that is uncomfortable at times.
The past is gone yet the memories remain. They are memories that I have to challenge, there is no glorification, and the people that are living in them aren't what they seemed to be. I thought that I had close friends but in reality as time proved, they were con's; they had, or have too many issues of their own to be true friends. So I move on, don't look back, and live for myself and family as I walk this walk that I now must walk. I can't go back to who I was and I don't want to. I love who I am now, what I have and who I am becoming.
Thursday, 12 May 2011
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
Daily musing..
Just words, thats all these are. Spasmatically writhing in my head, searching for either fingers or tongue.
Dear Diary...
yet another day, sunny morning 6 am wakeup, loving life. Nothing new to report, just trying my best at living and walking in a way that I can respect. People can be surprising. People can be fucked. Some entice you to see nothing but the worst, it permeates out of their skin, in their every word. Some come off in a certain light but then speak in a way that sun glimmer through them. Its all a journey, I have given too much of myself in the past to too many unworthy people but these days are different. I am all about family right now. My immediate family, Ali, and the girls are my world, my love, my happiness. My parents and sister and hers are also my love, frustrating at times in the past but my love. All good relationships are that way, ups and downs, its the only way we grow and expand.
I have been labeled many things in the past, mostly from institutional shrinks, but evidence suggests that I am little if anything like what the words they have thrown at me. I am taking it back! No redevelopment, just growth. Thirty seven now, not even half way through my life and yes I could look back and have a share of disappointment but I am choosing else-wise. I choose to look forward and see the light. I choose to trudge through slowly and lightly, I choose to attempt not to repeat past indiscretions, I am done with that, no hair left and the rest is going grey.
I look at the man in the mirror and sometimes he seems alien. He is older, becoming wrinkled, not as healthy as I`d like him to be but age has its disadvantages as well. But he is happy and I love him.
A baby changes everything. My sisters new boy has brought a lot of thought to me. I vow to live the rest of his life free, to not live in addiction, to not go back to prison, no matter how hard things may become in this life they are easier than sitting in depression staring at cinder blocks, full of shame and beating myself up.
Today I am happy.
Dear Diary...
yet another day, sunny morning 6 am wakeup, loving life. Nothing new to report, just trying my best at living and walking in a way that I can respect. People can be surprising. People can be fucked. Some entice you to see nothing but the worst, it permeates out of their skin, in their every word. Some come off in a certain light but then speak in a way that sun glimmer through them. Its all a journey, I have given too much of myself in the past to too many unworthy people but these days are different. I am all about family right now. My immediate family, Ali, and the girls are my world, my love, my happiness. My parents and sister and hers are also my love, frustrating at times in the past but my love. All good relationships are that way, ups and downs, its the only way we grow and expand.
I have been labeled many things in the past, mostly from institutional shrinks, but evidence suggests that I am little if anything like what the words they have thrown at me. I am taking it back! No redevelopment, just growth. Thirty seven now, not even half way through my life and yes I could look back and have a share of disappointment but I am choosing else-wise. I choose to look forward and see the light. I choose to trudge through slowly and lightly, I choose to attempt not to repeat past indiscretions, I am done with that, no hair left and the rest is going grey.
I look at the man in the mirror and sometimes he seems alien. He is older, becoming wrinkled, not as healthy as I`d like him to be but age has its disadvantages as well. But he is happy and I love him.
A baby changes everything. My sisters new boy has brought a lot of thought to me. I vow to live the rest of his life free, to not live in addiction, to not go back to prison, no matter how hard things may become in this life they are easier than sitting in depression staring at cinder blocks, full of shame and beating myself up.
Today I am happy.
Monday, 2 May 2011
A little tattered, a lot happy
Hmmmm, in the last four weeks:
- Got out of prison
- Monday to Thursday program
- constant people high around me (or drunk)
- Sister had a baby
- Cat had kittens
- My teenage girls have been teens
- Street guy challenged me to a fight
- Trying to work on the off days
- dealing with the ghost of a past friend
- Hoping that the car doesn't break down
- Not sleeping more then 6 hours every night except one
Not a shit load of issues but none the less I woke up this Monday morning feeling stressed. Not "I am going to break and get high" or anything like that, just stressed.
They say that all feelings lose their power when spoken of and maybe that is all I am doing here. Life has been great for the last four weeks, I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Oh and by the way, one of the funniest things I have heard in a while came from my oldest Chyanne:
"You walk downtown at night?"
"Yep"
"Don't you get scared?"
Funny since I have walked through corridors of prisons for twelve years of my life.
Thursday, 28 April 2011
Words
Where to start? Over five years since I was granted day parole on a life sentence and here I am attempting, after my third suspension, to make it. So why the hell has it been so difficult for me? What is it that seems to get in my way? I am an intelligent person. I have post secondary education, business sense, and charisma. The issue is that I keep on shooting myself in the foot by using drugs.
Is it complacency?
Is it stress?
Is it self hatred?
Is it poor impulse control?
Or do I simply like drugs so much that the decision to use eclipses common sense?
The next time I use there will be one of two consequences:
- Another 2 to 5 years in prison
- Death
But has either of those consequences stopped me in the past...no.
I desperately want to stay free, I love the choices and freedoms. I hate prison, the violence, hatred, loneliness, loss, self hatred, etc. I have done extensive psychological work, cognitive behavior therapy, and changed myself extensively throughout the years. I am not the same person I was fifteen years ago when my crime was committed yet I still have not shed off the addiction.
My longest clean time was 4 and a half years. I love being straight but it should be said that the majority of that time was while I was in prison.
Am I institutionalized? Is the reality of life out here where I have to work hard at gains instead of everything being done for me just too difficult? I certainly hope not because I have a strong sense of self worth and that would be a kick in the balls.
During the years of sobriety in prison I wrote everyday. Two novellas, theatrical plays, and numerous poems as well as a daily journal are my literature accomplishments. I even had a few of my works published while inside. Five years of off and on freedom and what I haven't done is write more than a few pages in all that time.
So this may be my last chance at freedom, and I am going to change something up, I am going to write again and this for now will be my venue.
Cheers
DTO
Is it complacency?
Is it stress?
Is it self hatred?
Is it poor impulse control?
Or do I simply like drugs so much that the decision to use eclipses common sense?
The next time I use there will be one of two consequences:
- Another 2 to 5 years in prison
- Death
But has either of those consequences stopped me in the past...no.
I desperately want to stay free, I love the choices and freedoms. I hate prison, the violence, hatred, loneliness, loss, self hatred, etc. I have done extensive psychological work, cognitive behavior therapy, and changed myself extensively throughout the years. I am not the same person I was fifteen years ago when my crime was committed yet I still have not shed off the addiction.
My longest clean time was 4 and a half years. I love being straight but it should be said that the majority of that time was while I was in prison.
Am I institutionalized? Is the reality of life out here where I have to work hard at gains instead of everything being done for me just too difficult? I certainly hope not because I have a strong sense of self worth and that would be a kick in the balls.
During the years of sobriety in prison I wrote everyday. Two novellas, theatrical plays, and numerous poems as well as a daily journal are my literature accomplishments. I even had a few of my works published while inside. Five years of off and on freedom and what I haven't done is write more than a few pages in all that time.
So this may be my last chance at freedom, and I am going to change something up, I am going to write again and this for now will be my venue.
Cheers
DTO
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