Just words, thats all these are. Spasmatically writhing in my head, searching for either fingers or tongue.
Dear Diary...
yet another day, sunny morning 6 am wakeup, loving life. Nothing new to report, just trying my best at living and walking in a way that I can respect. People can be surprising. People can be fucked. Some entice you to see nothing but the worst, it permeates out of their skin, in their every word. Some come off in a certain light but then speak in a way that sun glimmer through them. Its all a journey, I have given too much of myself in the past to too many unworthy people but these days are different. I am all about family right now. My immediate family, Ali, and the girls are my world, my love, my happiness. My parents and sister and hers are also my love, frustrating at times in the past but my love. All good relationships are that way, ups and downs, its the only way we grow and expand.
I have been labeled many things in the past, mostly from institutional shrinks, but evidence suggests that I am little if anything like what the words they have thrown at me. I am taking it back! No redevelopment, just growth. Thirty seven now, not even half way through my life and yes I could look back and have a share of disappointment but I am choosing else-wise. I choose to look forward and see the light. I choose to trudge through slowly and lightly, I choose to attempt not to repeat past indiscretions, I am done with that, no hair left and the rest is going grey.
I look at the man in the mirror and sometimes he seems alien. He is older, becoming wrinkled, not as healthy as I`d like him to be but age has its disadvantages as well. But he is happy and I love him.
A baby changes everything. My sisters new boy has brought a lot of thought to me. I vow to live the rest of his life free, to not live in addiction, to not go back to prison, no matter how hard things may become in this life they are easier than sitting in depression staring at cinder blocks, full of shame and beating myself up.
Today I am happy.
This post makes me happy Dustin. Being about family and self is healthy and mature. Once we accept the fact that we will not be able to achieve ultimate happiness (e.g. the perfect life, partner, car, job, whatever,) we are in a position to accept the fact that we can achieve real happiness. We may not feel bliss, or be able to maintain it when we do, but we can feel love and belonging, passion and pleasure, gratitude and fulfillment. We may not necessarily be able to achieve all our ambitions, but we can achieve some of them - and get satisfaction from those we do. And we can continue to dream - we just cannot make those fantasies the basis of our current happiness. Keep posting. Karen
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